CDC Report – Salmonellosis

The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) recently released a new report entitled, “Outbreak of Salmonellosis Associated with Pet Turtle Exposures — United States, 2011.” The report is available at http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm6104a4.htm?s_cid=mm6104a4_w.

This report describes an outbreak of 132 human Salmonella infections between August 2010 and September 2011 associated with exposure to small turtles (those with shell lengths

Visit the following websites for more information about human Salmonella infections associated with small turtles and other reptiles.
http://health.utah.gov/epi/diseases/Salmonella/index.html http://www.cdc.gov/Features/SalmonellaFrogTurtle/ http://www.cdc.gov/healthypets/resources/posters.htm

Salmonellosis is a reportable disease in Utah and is required to be reported within three working days after identification.

by Janet Lehman, MSW

Your child: “Everyone else is going to the party. Why can’t I?”

You: “I don’t care what ‘everyone else’ is doing. You can’t go and that’s final.”

Your child: “Why are you so mean? You never let me do anything. I hate you!”

Do you ever wonder if your rules are too strict—or too lenient? When is it time to reel your child back in, and how will you know when it’s safe to loosen the reins a bit? Most importantly, is your child ready for more independence, or showing clear signs that he’s not?

“It’s okay to say ‘no’—and in fact, sometimes that’s exactly what your child needs.”
If your child is asking for more independence, it’s important to realize that this is normal. Kids really should want more freedom. They should want to do more with peers as they get older rather than isolating themselves at home. On the other hand, don’t let your child bully you into giving them more freedom. If your child is pushing and pushing in order to get you to agree to something, you don’t have to respond right away. You can always say, “I need to think about it. I want to talk to your father and your friend’s parents first.” Take that time to figure out if you’re comfortable with the request, if it’s safe, if your child is ready for more freedom, and what the normal expectations are for kids in his age range. Remember, it’s okay to say “no”—and in fact, sometimes that’s exactly what your child needs.

Here are 5 things you can do as a parent to determine if your child is ready for more freedom (or not), and how to give it to him or set firmer limits.

1. Develop reasonable expectations. In order to strike the right balance as a parent, it’s important to lay the groundwork first by doing your homework. That means finding out what normal expectations are for kids in your child’s age group. Norms differ for every age range: younger kids might want to stay up later, watch a special TV show, or play a new video game. Maybe they’re starting to ask if they can stay overnight at a friend’s house. Older kids, on the other hand, are looking to do things like borrow the car and attend concerts and parties.

Investigate. Talk to others. It’s important not to stay isolated as a parent around these kinds of subjects because then you run the risk of having your child be the one to tell you what the norm is. They might try to push things on you by saying things like, “Tommy’s mom lets him do it.”

You don’t necessarily have to abide by his friends’ parents rules, but it’s good to know what others out there are doing. Make your own judgment about what your child should be allowed to do based on your family’s values and what you know of your child. How do you know when your child is ready for more independence? I always tell parents, “You’re the best judge of what your child needs. Listen to your gut.”

2. Be clear and complete with your expectations. Let your kids know what the rules are. If you have a rule that’s really important to you, feel free to say it over and over, like a slogan: “No drinking, period.” or “Only one other child in the car when you drive,” or “Follow the speed limit.”

3.Know the Facts. If your child is asking if he can go to a party, you want to get the facts first and attend to safety concerns. Ask the following: “Who’s going, how are you getting there, where are you going, and who’s going to be home?” If he can’t give you those details, then he may not be ready for that kind of activity. If he can and you decide it’s okay, you can say, “Yes, you can go, but you can’t drive anyone else. And you need to be back by your curfew.” (Don’t worry if your child grumbles. Believe it or not, kids actually feel safer when parents set some parameters around their behavior.) Let’s say your child goes to the party, follows all the rules, and comes back in good shape. Chances are the next time it will be easier for you to give him that kind of freedom. Eventually, you might let him take another step toward independence by allowing other kids to go with him in the car.

4. Make incremental steps. When it comes to giving your child more independence, start with small steps. If she successfully meets the expectations of each step, then you can add more responsibility or more freedom. For example, if your child wants to have a curfew of 12 p.m. instead of 11 p.m., you might say, “Let’s start at 11:30 p.m. If you can come in at that time for two weeks, we can talk about moving it to 12 p.m.” This way, your child is showing you that she can follow the rules. If you always say “no” out of fear that something bad might happen, the risk is that your child will never learn how to manage independence because she won’t have had the opportunities to learn.

If your child is acting up and can’t follow your incremental rules, this tells you that she’s not ready for more independence. Generally kids want more freedom and can learn how to earn it.

Here are four questions you can ask your child before you give them some additional freedom:

1. How will we know it’s working?

2. How will we know it’s not working?

3. What will we do if it’s working?

4. What will we do if it’s not working?

Those are powerful questions, whether you ask them in regard to your child staying up later, using the car, or going to a dance. Here’s how you can apply it. Imagine this scenario: Your teen wants to go to his first concert with some friends. Let’s say as a parent, you’re nervous, but open to the idea. The conversation might go like this:

“This is a pretty big step. How will we know it’s working—that you’re able to handle it—if we let you go?” Your child might say, “I’ll go to the concert and come straight home afterward.” You might want to add the following: “That’s right, you’ll go straight to the concert and call or text me when you get there. Then you’ll text me when it’s over and let me know you’re coming home.”

The next question is, “How will we know it’s not working?” And the answer: “If I don’t hear from you all night. If I find out you drove other kids in the car or were drinking. If you come home late.”

End the conversation with the last two “what” questions:

“What will we do if it works out? I’ll be more likely to let you go next time.”

“What will we do if it doesn’t work out? We’ll take a break on concerts for awhile until you can show me that you can be more responsible.”

Those terms are the elements for any discussion around your child meeting responsibilities or doing new things. This is especially effective because it focuses your kids on the rules while giving you a structure to fall back on if your child can’t meet the expectations.

It’s also important to be aware of the fact that there are going to be missteps on your child’s part along the way when they don’t meet the expectations. Let’s say your child drives to the party safely, doesn’t drink, and doesn’t have friends in the car, but he comes home 30 minutes late. Along with the conversation listed above, talk with him about what was going on at the time and the choices he made. Ask, “What can you do differently next time so you don’t come home late again and get in trouble?” With kids of all ages, let them know that they’re not going to be given more freedom until they can meet the next step.

Believe me, I’m a mom myself and I know that none of this is easy. We worry, we agonize and we spend many sleepless nights hoping we’ve made the right decisions as parents. Behind much of our reluctance to reel out more freedom is our fear that we won’t be able to protect our kids—that they’ll do something that’s unsafe or scary. If you realize you’re way out of sync with other parents in terms of your expectations, it’s worth looking at what’s behind it. Does it have to do with your child and the risks involved, or does it have more to do with you and your fears? Understand that as your child grows, you really do need to offer him the opportunity for age-appropriate independence. After all, how is your child going to learn to be independent on his own if he’s never given the chance to try new things? It’s difficult, but we need to make those leaps sometimes as parents so our kids can learn to fly.

Empowering Parents, Janet Lehman, MSW, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

 Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-rules-and-expectations-everyone-else-is-doing-it.php#ixzz1mSpvFpgS

by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW

Over the years, as technology has evolved and material things have become more readily available, our society has developed a strong sense of “the wants.” In this modern world, we don’t like to wait for things like computers, cars and houses—delayed gratification is a thing of the past. Our children have embraced this sense of entitlement likes ducks to water; most of them have grown up with it from the time they were born. They often expect that they will get what they want (not necessarily what they need) when they want it. Their attitude seems to be one of, “What do you mean I need to earn things like a cell phone, expensive clothes or an iPod? I deserve them, simply because I’m here!” With their low frustration tolerance, poor coping skills and tendency to react impulsively, ODD kids are especially prone to the belief that parents are here to meet all of their desires. Faced with disappointment or the prospect of not getting what they want, an attack of verbal abuse (swearing, name-calling, yelling, intimidating, threatening, belittling or demeaning) may erupt that can leave parents feeling as if they’ve been hit by a tsunami and wondering what just happened.

“Would you respect someone who let you walk all over them, then gave you whatever you wanted?”

The Effects of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can leave you feeling worn out, devastated, hurt and afraid to assert yourself. It can lead to a sense of vulnerability because the more it’s experienced, the more we can get “used to it.” We start to tolerate being talked to by our child in ways we never thought we would. On the flip side, verbal abuse can also trigger anger. As parents we can find ourselves using the same type of verbal aggression. Either way, the effects of verbal abuse can be long-term if left unchecked.

Sometimes verbal abuse can become a cycle in the home: a family member (your child) experiences something that makes him uncomfortable (your child doesn’t get his way or doesn’t get what he wants). He responds with verbal abuse (either out of anger, frustration or in attempt to get what he wants through intimidation or bullying). The parent either doesn’t respond to the verbal abuse (allows it to go without consequence or correction) or reinforces it (gives the child what they want or continues to buy/give things to the child that are “wants” rather than “needs”). The child is satisfied until another instance arises that leads to discomfort, at which point he falls back on what worked before: verbal abuse.

If you’re in this pattern with your child, what can you do? As a parent, the best chance you have of changing this cycle of verbal abuse is at the point of your response.

How Do I Respond to My Child’s Verbal Abuse?

1. Know your boundaries. In a calm moment, think about what your boundaries are. If you’re experiencing the behaviors listed above, you’re being verbally abused. If the way your child is talking to you feels demeaning, shaming or leaves you feeling as if you’ve been attacked, it’s a good sign your boundaries are being crossed.

2. Set your boundaries. As parents, we sometimes fail to tell our kids exactly what our boundaries are: “It’s not okay for you to swear or yell at me. I’m not going to stand here and tolerate that.” As James Lehman says, “There’s no excuse for abuse”—and it’s vital that you communicate that to your child.

3. Make clear how you will respond if your boundaries are violated. Our job as a parent is to teach our kids “Real Life.” In the Real World, if someone is verbally abusive (as long as there isn’t a direct threat of harm being made), there aren’t legal consequences. The police don’t get involved. But when you verbally abuse others they aren’t usually quick to do favors for you. If you scream at your neighbor and call him names and then ask to borrow his car, he’ll probably respond with a great big “No!” Let your child know that if he or she is verbally abusive toward you, not to expect you to do any favors or “extras” (giving rides, driving through the fast food restaurant for lunch, buying designer clothes, make-up, etc). Don’t make this indefinite—instead, give your child a chance to earn back the privilege of extras. For example, if your child yells at you, then asks for a new pair of jeans, you may say, “You know, you were pretty disrespectful to me earlier. I’m not going to buy those jeans for you today. If you can talk to me and treat me respectfully for the next week, I’ll consider buying them.” Look at it this way: If you buy the jeans after being verbally abused, you’re teaching your child that it’s okay to verbally abuse others and that she’ll still get what she wants. The message is, “It’s okay to treat me this way. Even if you verbally abuse me, I’ll still do things for you.” But that’s not how the real world works. Also, kids don’t respect us when we allow them to treat us poorly and then buy them things. Would you respect someone who let you walk all over them, then gave you whatever you wanted?

4. Enforce your boundaries. Identifying and communicating boundaries to a child is only helpful if you maintain those boundaries in the face of your child’s negative behavior. This means following through with whatever you’ve told your child the consequence will be for verbal abuse. If your daughter wants a new pair of jeans after she’s just sworn at you (as in the example above), and you give them to her, you’ve just reinforced that verbal abuse is not only tolerated, but rewarded. If your son wants a ride to his friend’s house and you take him after he’s just yelled and threatened you, he’s not likely to begin respecting your boundaries.

5. Model positive boundaries. We all have moments when we lose our temper, saying things we don’t mean (or do mean, but wish we’d said more kindly – not in the heat of our emotion). Take a look at your own communication style. Are you respecting the boundaries of others—not just your child’s, but your spouse’s, your parents’, your cousin’s and all your other personal relationships? If not, put effort into communicating with others in a way that respects their boundaries. Model the same effort you hope to see from your child.

6. Know your emotional buttons. When your child is disrespectful to you, how do you tend to respond? Many parents are afraid of enforcing boundaries with their ODD or Conduct-Disordered child for fear of what will happen. Will my child respond with physical aggression or destroy my property? Will my child stop loving me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t give him what he wants? Fear can keep parents captive in the cycle of verbal abuse.

It’s also important to understand how your history may impact your life now. Some parents were verbally abused by their own parents when growing up, or are currently in relationships where boundaries are violated. This can leave you vulnerable to tolerating this type of behavior from your child. Experiencing verbal abuse can lead to being “numb” to it, so be aware of this if you’re having difficulty maintaining your boundaries with your child.

Enforcing your boundaries is one of the most important things you can do when faced with a child who is exhibiting signs of entitlement and talking to you in a way that is disrespectful or verbally abusive. Take a few moments when you’re alone, or talk with someone you truly trust who supports you about anything that might stand in your way when responding to your child.

Kids may act like they are entitled: to things, to privileges, to be angry or disrespectful when experiencing stress or frustration. That doesn’t mean that they are entitled. Just because it’s your child does not mean you lose the right to set boundaries. In fact, it’s especially important to set those boundaries with our kids. It models how to have healthy relationships with others, including with their friends, teachers, bosses, significant others—and someday, their own children.

Empowering Parents, Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

After a mild winter, influenza activity in Utah and the U.S. appears to be increasing. In the past week, five additional influenza-associated hospitalizations have been reported to public health in Utah, bringing the total to 18. Additionally, the number of influenza viruses isolated in the community is beginning to increase. Approximately 60% of influenza viruses isolated, both nationally and in Utah, has been influenza type A H3. Currently, RSV and metapneumovirus are also circulating in the community.

Public health continues to recommend that suspected influenza cases be confirmed by DFA, PCR, or culture until influenza activity is well established. Providers are encouraged to send influenza samples to the Unified State Laboratories: Public Health for typing.

Influenza-associated hospitalization is a reportable condition that is required to be reported within three working days of identification.

by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

Let’s face it, “No” gets a reaction. Kids thrive on the connection they have with you, and if a child is always negative, they will usually get a reaction from their parents. As odd as it sounds, sometimes the negativity spewing from your child’s lips is not meant to sound as bad as it does. She may simply want contact with you, albeit negative contact. Some kids’ versions of, “Hi, how are you this morning?” come out as, “These eggs are disgusting!” While this is the way your child might want to connect with you, it doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it or listen to it endlessly.

“Sometimes your child’s negativity and goading behavior can feel like a magnet pulling you in. I think the best thing to do is be very conscious of what’s happening, and then stay out of that orbit. The main thing is, don’t give it legs.”

When your child is a constant complainer, it can be emotionally exhausting. Your negative child may also be loving, funny, and sweet, but unfortunately her negative attitude stands out because it’s such an energy drainer. What’s worse, your mind starts “futurizing” and jumps to every worst case scenario.

So where does all the complaining come from? If your child is in her teen years, adolescence may be the culprit. When she was young she might have been enthusiastic about everything. You’d hear her say, “Mom look at this! Wow, it’s so cool. I love it!” Then adolescence arrives and it becomes way too uncool to be enthusiastic, especially with your parents. Sharing her inner feelings means opening herself up to you—and that is probably exactly the opposite of what she wants to do at this point in her life. Pushing you out is the name of the game. And let’s not forget that you and your family are the safe haven where all stresses of childhood can land. She may not tell you about her awful day at school, but instead complain that the food you cooked tastes awful. Yes, this is unpleasant, but remember, don’t take it personally—this could be a coping skill your child is employing

As strange as it sounds, negativity and complaining are actually ways to manage anxiety. When your child complains, she feels better because she’s expressing himself and venting her worries and fears. If you don’t react to it from your own anxiety, your child will move on.

After you determine what’s triggering your child’s negativity, consider why you get so stirred up by it. Understanding why it upsets you so much is really half the battle; knowing why it pushes your buttons will help you find more calm, effective ways of dealing with it. Do you tend to be negative and critical yourself? Our kids’ behavior can often put a mirror in front of us, and it’s not always what we want to see. Do you feel responsible as a parent to fix your child, shape her up and make her happy—and turn her into a “Sally Sunshine?” Do you futurize and get anxious, and ask yourself if this is the life your child is destined to lead?

Oppositional Kids: Using Negativity to Stir the Pot

“This sucks! I hate this family.”

Sound familiar? Kids who are oppositional or defiant often use negativity to get everyone around them worked up, including you. Sometimes they respond automatically without thinking—they’re not necessarily trying to make everyone upset—but other times, they do it with the intention to make everybody else feel as miserable as they do. And you and your child’s siblings probably bear the brunt of it, because home is that safe place where he can let out the absolute worst part of himself. If your child spews a lot of negativity at home, the trick for you is not to get pulled into it, because that’s what will give him the feeling that he’s in control—he’s got you and you’re paying attention to him. You’re hooked.

Work hard not to indulge that part of your child. Recognize when your child is trying to push your buttons and try not to get pulled in. The temptation in the moment is to feed the mood by saying something like, “What’s wrong with you? You’re ruining the movie for everyone!” Instead, you can put limits on this negative behavior by saying, “Not now, please. We’re trying to watch the movie.” Or “It sounds like you don’t like it. Why don’t you go to your room and do something else?” If your child continues to be defiant, you’ll need to try some enforceable consequences. (Please read Parenting ODD Children and Teens: How to Make Consequences Work by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner to find out how to do this effectively.) Define your boundaries and make clear what you will and won’t do without being critical and giving your child the message, “You should be different, what’s wrong with you?”

Easy? Not at all. I know this is hard—sometimes your child’s negativity and goading behavior can feel like a magnet pulling you in. I think the best thing to do is be very conscious of what’s happening, and then stay out of that orbit. The main thing is, don’t give it legs.

Here are 7 things you can do as a parent when your child is being negative and it’s pushing all of your buttons.

1. Don’t try to turn your child into something she’s not. As a parent, you might feel you’re responsible for how your child feels and behaves. If so, the choices she makes will feel very personal to you. You’ll find yourself trying to turn her into a positive person, a “Negative Nancy” into the proverbial “Sally Sunshine.” The result? She’ll work all the harder to resist you. This will cause you to push harder, creating more and more reactivity and negativity between the two of you. Remember, you’re not responsible for the choices your child makes about her attitudes or behaviors. Instead, you’re responsible for how you respond to these attitudes and behaviors.

2. Try to be nonjudgmental. As hard as it is, try not to be judgmental, critical, or defensive. So if your child says, “This food is gross,” don’t react by saying, “Why are you always so negative about everything? The least you could do is say thank you!” Instead, say something like, “Hmmm, I’m sorry you don’t like it,” or “Too bad you find it so unappealing,” or simply, “Oh.” Nothing more needs to be said.

3. Don’t personalize it. Try as hard as you can not to personalize your child’s negative attitude and constant complaining. Have a slogan in your head that helps you ignore some of his negative remarks. Try repeating the following to yourself: “It’s nothing personal and nothing to worry about. These are just feelings.”

4. Be direct. If your child launches into a venting session when you’re stressed out or in the middle of something, be clear and direct. You can say, “Sorry, but I’m not up for listening to this right now. Why don’t you save it for later, when I can focus on what you’re telling me?” That way, if your child really needs a sounding board and isn’t simply complaining for the sake of complaining, you’ll be able to give him your full attention and listen to what’s on his mind. (And maybe by that time, he’ll have worked through it on his own. In this way, your child will learn to rely on himself to calm his anxieties.)

5. Reflect but don’t react. If your child always has something negative to say, you can go with it without agreeing with him. If he says “It would have been a good day if I’d gotten a home run during recess,” you can say, “Yeah, really just to have that one extra thing, that would have made it better for you, huh?” Instead of trying to negate his negativity, listen to it and let it go. When your child is critical of something and then you’re critical of him being critical, it just adds to the cycle. Often we don’t hear ourselves complaining about our kids and we just pile it on. So try to be nonjudgmental about it.

6. Put a time limit on complaints. If your child is really a chronic complainer, you might consider putting a time limit on him. When your child launches into a complaining session, listen to what his beef is and then let him let him know he only has a few more minutes. You can say, “Okay Jackson, two more minutes to talk about how you hate math, and then we’re done with this subject today. I can’t hear anymore.” You can also establish a complaint time as James Lehman advises in The Total Transformation Program. Set aside a time each day, like after dinner, when your child has 10 minutes to complain about everything that’s bothering him. Limit it to that time of day and that amount of time. If he forgets and starts being critical about something, just remind him that he can tell you all about it at complaint time that night. You can also give him a journal in which he can write everything down. Another idea is to give your child five “complaint tickets” per day that he can use at any time. Each one is good for one complaint, but after the five are used up, no more. (This works well for younger kids.)

7. Give honest feedback. Your ultimate goal is to let your child be who he is, but also to let him know that his attitude does have an impact. Giving him honest feedback is one of the best ways to set your own boundaries while respecting his. When he’s going on and on about something or someone, you can say, for example, “When I’m hearing too much of your criticisms and complaints, I find myself tuning it out.” You could also try saying something like, “Hey, I think I need to hear a few more positives right now because I’m getting zapped.”

Generally when you give authentic feedback, you’re just letting your child know that what he’s doing is not working for you right now. Again, simply complaining about his negativity is not necessarily going to be helpful. Instead, you need to be honest about it and let your child know what you’re feeling about the impact of moods, attitudes and words. That’s about you expressing you—not you criticizing him.

A final piece of advice: When dealing with your negative child, be counter-intuitive. Again, while the goal of helping your child be a more positive person is a good one, trying to make him be one will backfire. Instead, do what is counter-intuitive: accept his negative feelings. His feelings are separate from you, so allow them without “futurizing” and personalizing and getting entangled. Don’t let your own anxiety about your child interfere. Rather, listen without criticism. Stand next to him, not joined to him. Only then will he stop being compelled to use his energy to fight you or defend himself from your criticism. With your acceptance, he’ll be free to begin thinking about how he wants to change and grow.

Below is the source of this great article.  Check more on this and many other topics by going to www.empoweringparents.com .

Empowering Parents, Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/how-to-handle-your-negative-complaining-child-or-teen.php#ixzz1lEoJvIVR

by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW

Does it ever seem as if you’ve tried every parenting approach out there, only to find that nothing works with your child? Kids who exhibit behaviors of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, angry and disappointed. It often seems like nothing matters to them, which can make it hard for you to know how to respond to their behavior and what consequences to give. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are child and family therapists who have worked with parents of kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder for 20 years—and Kim is also the parent of an adult child with ODD. They’re also the creators of The ODD Lifeline, a new program that offers real help and hope to parents of children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

“To test the effectiveness of the Fail-Proof Consequence, ask yourself, ‘Will I be able to follow through with this in the face of my child’s potential out-right defiance and refusal to comply?’”

Parenting an ODD Child—Not Your “Typical” Kid
Kids who are oppositional and defiant are not your “typical” kids. They behave in ways that scream “I don’t care what you want me to do” and truly have little (or no) regard for what their parents or society expect of them. Typical kids know there’s a line you just don’t cross and—except for testing limits sometimes—they generally follow your rules and respond to consequences. ODD kids break the rules on a daily basis. It can wear a parent down to the point of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

ODD kids also thrive on the chaos that comes from the battles you have over control. Sometimes they’ll even create those situations out of the blue. Maybe they’re bored, irritable or having a bad day. Pushing a parent’s emotional buttons can be entertaining and gives the child a sense of power and control. When you—as a parent—experience this on a regular basis, you start to question yourself: “Am I doing something wrong? Is this my fault?” It leaves you feeling vulnerable, guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. It feels like you’re being judged by others—and, in fact, parents of ODD kids are often judged harshly by society. It feels very lonely.

“Consequences Just Don’t Work with My ODD Child!”
Why does it seem like consequences aren’t working with your oppositional, defiant child? Probably because you’re using consequences you would give a typical child. We usually expect a child will respond to consequences—loss of privileges or losing a parent’s trust—in a way that makes him uncomfortable, which will lead the child to changing his behavior. The problem is, ODD kids will stand there while parents are addressing an issue or concern, and the look on the child’s face says it all: “I don’t care.” Sometimes they’ll come right out and tell you they don’t care! Reactions like that can leave you feeling frustrated, furious and desperate to influence your child in some way. When emotions come into play, any logical approach to consequences goes right out the window. It becomes a control battle—and ODD kids are masters at the game of winning a tug of war.

Also, a typical child will allow you—as a parent—to have some type of control over their behavior. If you ground them, they’ll stay home. ODD kids will climb out the bedroom window five minutes after you’ve grounded them. Typical kids will change their behavior because they are uncomfortable with a consequence and don’t want to experience it again. An ODD child may indeed feel uncomfortable but is committed to digging in his heels as part of the power struggle. He will look for ways to get around the consequence—and ODD kids are often very bright and creative when it comes to this. One mom we know told us, “You know, my daughter would make an excellent lawyer someday—she can argue about anything!”

A Different Approach: “Fail-Proof Consequences”
In our work with ODD kids and their parents, we use something called “Fail-Proof Consequences.” These are consequences that are effective with oppositional defiant kids because full control over the consequence rests with you, the parent. Much of our work involves showing parents exactly how to use this type of consequence.

If your child has any control over the potential consequence at all, it’s not fail-proof. For example, if you tell your child he can’t use the internet, do you have complete control over that? Not really. Your child can always surf the web while you’re asleep or at work or even in the same room. ODD kids are brave and bold and think nothing of flaunting your consequence in your face, something a typical kid isn’t likely to do. Now, if you suspend the internet service for a few days or weeks, do you have complete control over that? Yes. You pay the bill and your child can’t get it turned back on without your permission. It may mean you can’t use the internet at home, but you still have ultimate control over that consequence. You may decide to get Wi-Fi access through your phone so your own life isn’t disrupted. Understand that if it’s not a consequence you can live through, it’s not fail-proof. Your child may try to get around the consequence by going online at a friend’s house or somewhere else, but your consequence—that he isn’t allowed to use the internet at home—stands firm.

Another example of a typical consequence parents often use is grounding a teen from the phone. Is it fail-proof? Again, not really. Your child can always sneak and use it when you’re not looking. On the other hand, if your child has a cell phone and you suspend service, is that fail-proof? Yes. You pay the bill and have complete control over the service. Your child may still have the phone, but he’s not able to talk or text on it. Could he get a track phone from somewhere else? Yes. But you have complete control over whether or not you’re paying for his phone. The consequence of shutting off the phone is fail-proof.

To test the effectiveness of the Fail-Proof Consequence, ask yourself, “Will I be able to follow through with this in the face of my child’s potential out-right defiance and refusal to comply?” If the answer is “yes,” then you have complete control over the consequence.

A Different Way of Thinking about Consequences
As adults, we tend to think of consequences as something that will change someone’s behavior—in this case our child. We believe consequences should go hand-in-hand with changing your child’s behavior. But that’s not always the case, with kids or with adults. Just because someone experiences a consequence doesn’t necessarily mean they will change their behavior. Otherwise, everyone would drive the speed limit once they received one ticket. Also, your ODD child may act like he doesn’t care but that’s not always the case. He’s not likely to thank you for giving him a consequence and he may not change his behavior. But by consistently giving and sticking to fail-proof consequences, you’ve done what you can as a parent. You’re teaching your child that when he or she does A, then B will follow. Our job is to prepare our kids for the real world. In the real world, there are consequences.

Is It ODD or Conduct Disorder?
You may be reading this and thinking, “Yeah, but even fail-proof consequences won’t work with my kid. My child is aggressive and destroys my property. He steals from me and uses drugs.” In those cases, you probably have a teen who has moved beyond ODD and into Conduct Disorder. In these cases, kids violate the rights of others and your fail-proof consequences will likely need to involve the police or the legal system. Parents often become frustrated dealing with those systems but there are some tips and techniques for ways to get the police or court to listen to you. We’ll talk more about Conduct Disorder in future articles in Empowering Parents, so please keep checking your inbox and this website for more information.

The Strengths of an ODD Child
Each of us has a journey in this life—to decide who we are and what we want to be. Oppositional Defiant kids have existed since the beginning of time–they’re our rebels. They bring about changes in society because they simply will not accept the status quo. We need our rebels. They make us think—about who we are, ourselves—and they offer us many, many opportunities for our own personal growth. They possess strengths like determination, a strong will and the courage to be different. Many of our entertainers, inventors and successful citizens were oppositional growing up. Steve Jobs, creator of what would eventually become Apple and James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation, were both ODD and went on to impact the lives of others. If everyone was the same—what a boring world this would be.

When you’re the parent of an ODD child, it’s not easy. ODD kids challenge you and they don’t respond to the same kinds of parenting techniques that work with other kids. We’re here to offer you some new techniques that work, so you can hold your child accountable for his behavior and prepare him for the real world. We’ll be talking about techniques that really do work when raising an ODD kid in many future articles in Empowering Parents, so please keep reading—and don’t give up hope. We know what you’re going through and we can help you survive!

Below is the source of this great article.  Check more on this and many other topics by going to www.empoweringparents.com .

Empowering Parents, Kimberly, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

Does your child use anger or threats to get what he wants? Does he pick fights and blackmail you emotionally? Or maybe he acts helpless or plays sick to get out of doing chores or homework. Whether kids manipulate us aggressively or passively, this behavior makes most of us feel out of control and “played” by our kids. Debbie Pincus, creator of The Calm Parent: AM & PM, tells you how you can break this cycle while staying calm and in control.

“Caving in to your child’s demands in order to steer clear of his tirades will only teach him that manipulation works.”

Many, if not most, parents feel manipulated by their kids at times. Teens in particular can be very adept at manipulative behaviors that run the gamut from flattery and charm to downright abuse to get what they want. And most kids, by the time they get to adolescence, are skilled at arguing, debating and raging to get their way.

Let’s step into your child’s shoes for a moment. Imagine your 13-year-old daughter wants the boots that all her friends are wearing; she’s sure that wearing them will establish her as part of the popular group. Of course, she’s desperate for you to say “yes” and buy them. Hearing the word “no” will seem intolerable and unfair to her. But let’s say you’ve given it some thought and your answer is no. You explain further by saying, “You don’t need another pair of boots, and besides, they’re way more than I’m willing to pay.” And then you brace for what you know is coming. Your daughter pulls out the big guns. She pleads, argues, sulks, gives you the silent treatment, debates, and rages in a desperate attempt to get what she wants. This is a much more likely outcome than your daughter saying, “Okay, I understand Mom. Your reasons make a lot of sense to me.” I’ve been working with kids and families for decades, and believe me, it’s the unusual kid who takes “no” for an answer the first time she hears it.

Why “No” Doesn’t Mean “No” to Most Kids

Why doesn’t “no” mean “no”? You might be sitting there saying to yourself, “I would never have spoken to my parents like that.” And that’s probably true. Back in the ’50s, ’60s and even ’70s, most parents valued obedience and used hitting, withdrawal of love and fear to scare kids into submission. If we used those tactics today, we probably could get our kids to stop at our “no.” The problem is that this parenting style does not lead to good long-term connection, trust and security and can easily backfire and cause serious rebellion. Don’t get me wrong, parents still value obedience nowadays, but we also put value on connection, independent thinking and communication. So in many ways, the new norm is for kids to try to persuade us to get what they want—which, when you think about it, is not always such a bad thing. Good persuasion skills can work effectively in life. But when would we say it’s simply persuasion versus emotional manipulation? When does the behavior cross the line?

Once our “no” is said, most kids will persist and try to persuade and convince you to go with what they want. And, in the course of this discussion, perhaps you’ll even hear their argument and be persuaded to “yes.” Let’s say your daughter wanted to stay out a bit later one night for a special event, and you were willing to hear her reasons and give her extra time for a dance or the late showing of a movie—not because you were worn down, but rather because your child’s reasoning made sense to you. That ability to persuade and negotiate in a healthy, respectful way is a good thing—and it’s a helpful skill for your child to learn.

But let’s say your child is asking you for something you’re not willing to let her do, like sleep over at a friend’s house whose parents work nights. Your 11-year-old daughter tries a few of her persuasion tactics, you consider her point of view but decide to stay firm with your no. She tries a few more tactics, and you continue to hold the line. At this point, many kids are able to disengage and let go: They’ve tried and didn’t get what they wanted, so they give up and stomp off. But maybe your child is the type who won’t stop. Essentially, she’s saying, “If you don’t give in, I will wear you down until you do.” Or “If you don’t give in to my demands, I will subject you to my emotional tirades. I will make you suffer.”

Does Your Child Use Emotional Blackmail on You?

Part of what divides persuasion from emotional blackmail is how long your child persists—and how intense this insistence becomes. But I think manipulation also has to do with intention. There are kids whose sole intention is to try to manipulate you into giving them the answer they want, even if it means making you suffer with their behavior. And the message is, “I will wear you down and get what I want. My gain at your cost; I win, you lose. And when I win, I’m in control.” These kids have learned a dangerous lesson—that their emotional blackmail works. Eventually you will be worn down because you’re afraid of their outbursts. You might attempt to contain your child’s rage and unpleasantness by giving in. Your child will have learned that manipulation works.

Understand that manipulation can come in many forms, not only that of negative outbursts. Kids can learn that picking a fight works, playing sick works, playing dumb works, charm works, and threats work. So if your child has goaded you into doing things, here are six things you might do to break the cycle of manipulative behavior.

1. Manage your expectations. Expect that it’s unlikely that your “no” will be followed by your child saying, “Okay, thank you.” Persuasion will probably follow instead. Don’t freak out. As annoying and unpleasant as it is, it’s what most kids do nowadays. We can expect better as parents, but don’t be surprised if you don’t get it. And as difficult as it is to say “no” (because of what you know will follow), it’s also extremely important to learn to say it and stick with it.
2. Realize the behavior is normal. I think it’s important to realize that your child’s attempt to get you to change your mind and say “yes” is normal. When you realize he’s not doing it because of some terrible pathology or evil inside of him, it will help you relax and deal with the behavior. Rather than reacting to their pushing with panic or worry, if you’ve thought things through and are comfortable with your decision, just stick to your guns. Caving in to your child’s demands in order to steer clear of his tirades will only teach him that manipulation works.
3. It doesn’t matter what you say after “no.” Once you’ve said “no,” any attempt on your part to justify it will not matter. All your child is listening for is whether or not your decision still stands. If you continue the conversation, all it will be about is him trying to get you to change your “no” to a “yes.” So don’t get hooked into trying to get your child to understand and be okay with your decision. As far as he’s concerned, any “no” is totally unfair. Simply saying “no” and stating your decision with a brief, clear position is enough. You will get nowhere trying to make your “no” palatable. And teens in particular are very good lawyers. If you aren’t careful, you can soon be defending your position and led off on all sorts of tangents. Your child may feel completely justified in giving you a hard time because after all, you’re being a pain by not giving him what he wanted.
4. Don’t be wishy-washy. Try your best not to let your child push you into changing your mind. Learn to say “no” with some strength behind it when you mean it. If too often your “no” becomes a “yes” because your child has been successful at wearing you down, a pattern of emotional blackmail can result. Your child has learned that being relentless works; if his relentlessness still hasn’t gotten him what he wants, in his mind it means that he should be more relentless until he’s successful. He won’t see anything wrong with his behavior, either, because it’s what he’s used to. The greatest danger is that he’ll be in charge instead of you. So say “no,” state your reason, make it short and to the point, and walk away. (More on this next.)
5. Disengaging from the discussion. If your child is asking you for something you have some flexibility on, you might listen to his argument as long as he’s respectful. If it seems reasonable to you, you might decide to change your “no” to a “yes.” However, if you don’t change your mind, only discuss it with him to a certain point. Stop giving him your counterpoints and disengage. You’ll know when it’s time for you to stop when you feel the early signs of your adrenaline rising—your heart will beat faster, your face may get hot, and you might start to feel shaky. Pay attention to this and swiftly end the conversation and disengage. How do you disengage when your child does not? Don’t say another word. Walk into another room or out of the house if your child is old enough; ride it out. Engaging at all, in any way, will only add fuel to the fire. Holding onto yourself with your “no,” despite what your child does, communicates something important: “No matter what you do, I will not lose myself. No matter how long you carry on, I will not give in. Your behavior will not be effective.”
6. Look closely at yourself. Do you tend to be too rigid? Do you think you make it particularly difficult for your child to get anything other than a “no” from you? Are you in any way contributing to his need to manipulate you to get anything for himself? Look at your own behavior and ask yourself the following questions:

       • Is it hard for you to get out of your comfort zone and let your child grow?
       • Do you hold your child back too much? Do your own anxieties prevent you  from letting your child do things?
       • Are you too dominant? Do you have a strong need to control others or often find yourself in power struggles?
       • Are you a “one truth” thinker? Meaning, is it difficult for you if other people don’t think the same way you do?
       • Are you afraid to have a backbone—and therefore always give in?

Take a close look in the mirror and see if you’re doing any of these things with your child, and if your behaviors are contributing to your child learning ineffective ways to handle himself. Help your child learn to be able to effectively come to the bench and negotiate for what he wants and then to accept the limits of “no” as well. Change what is in your control to change.

Too Late for You? Breaking the Pattern of Child Manipulation

What if you’ve already gotten into the pattern of being manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by your child? Perhaps you’ve been giving in since he was little—maybe it started with temper tantrums, and escalated to the point where your 15-year-old started breaking things in your house, threatening people and calling you foul names. In other words, what do you do if you already have an emotional manipulator and you’re stuck in this destructive pattern?

I won’t sugarcoat it: It’s going to be difficult to change a pattern that’s already in place, especially with a teen, but it’s certainly not impossible. Expect the typical “pushback” or “change back” that comes when you start to take a different position as a parent. Be prepared because your child will escalate before he stops the behavior.

If you want to start breaking out of this pattern, be clear and stick to your “no.” With kids who are already blackmailing you emotionally, you have to continue to stand your ground harder because they’re going to fight harder. It’s worked in the past, so they naturally think they can get you to bend to their will. But you’re going to do whatever it takes to hold on and not give in. Your child will learn limits and boundaries when you have the courage, strength and backbone to provide them.

Eventually they’ll get the message that you can no longer be broken down. For any parent who’s trying to stop child manipulation, I would recommend that you create a guiding principle for yourself. A guiding principle might be, “I want my child to learn to accept limits in life,” or, “I want my child to learn that he can’t have everything he wants.”

Here’s the bottom line: Most people will do whatever it takes in that unpleasant moment with their child to get rid of the distress, and that’s why they give in—they can’t stand it. Picking short-term relief is understandable—many times that’s the choice we’ll make because we just have to get on with the day. But if you want to stop being manipulated, instead of going for the short-term fix, look at the long-term gain. Keep your mind on that larger goal rather than on short-term relief. If you’re really looking at changing manipulative behavior and you want to work on developing your child’s character, then you’ll have to try and make a different choice in that moment when he’s testing you.

Keep in mind that with our older kids, we are consultants, not managers. And with all kids, think about relating to them, not controlling them. Hold onto your position if it’s well thought-out, but try to do it with kindness, respect, openness and understanding. Don’t see your child as the enemy—think of being on his side and relating to him side-by-side, rather than toe-to-toe—even when you’re setting limits, holding the line and being firm.

Credits:  Empowering Parents (www.empoweringparents.com), Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

by Janet Lehman, MSW

“God, you’re so stupid. Just leave me alone!”

If you’re the parent of a teen, you’ve probably heard a version of this coming from your child’s lips—or expressed with an eye roll or door slam. It’s very painful for us when our children suddenly can’t stand the sight of us, and act like they’d rather die than be seen with us. On top of that, many kids become disrespectful when they go through this phase of adolescence. They resort to name-calling, insults and other hurtful behavior. When your child starts doing this, you might look at him and wonder, “Who is this person, this kid who used to love me last year, but suddenly is embarrassed to be with me?”

You have to keep the emotions out of it. It’s not about you; it’s about your child and his behavior.

Buckle up, it’s quite a ride ahead. This behavior is basically the warning sign that adolescence is approaching. We often see it emerge in the pre-teen years, when kids generally don’t have the best communication skills. Your child is not going to say, “Please mom, I need a little space right now. Could you find something else to do?” Instead, she screams, “Leave me alone!” and slams the door in your face. Part of parent survival here is remembering that this is part of a stage your child is going through. As painful and annoying as it is, understand that your child actually needs to go through this individuation process on the way to adulthood.

How can you deal with this as a parent? Here are three things you can do to get through this difficult time with your teen:

Don’t take it personally: When your child starts ignoring you or pushing you away, try not to take it personally. (More later about how you can handle it when your child uses foul language or is verbally abusive.) Remind yourself that this is a stage they’re going through, and it’s up to you to deal with it in a mature way. If it’s hurtful when your child is embarrassed by you, come up with a slogan you can tell yourself in the moment like, “This is normal; it’s part of adolescence and it’s what he’s supposed to be doing. It’s not about me.”

Give space when possible: When your child is pushing you away, try to remain rational and focus on what needs to be done. If you get emotional, it just makes that push-pull worse, until it turns into a tug-of-war.

Let’s say you’re out shopping with your 15-year-old daughter and she’s ignoring you and maybe walking ahead of you. Catch up with her and say, “Listen, we have to buy you a pair of jeans today. Let’s figure out how we can do that together. When we’re done, you can have an hour to shop on your own, as long as you tell me where you’re going and take your cell phone with you.” If she objects and insists on going off by herself, don’t get mad. Just say, “We’re here to get you some jeans. If you can’t cooperate, we can leave.” Remember, you don’t have to buy her a pair of jeans if she can’t comply with your simple request.

One important note: When giving your child space in the form of independent activities, you have to feel like she’s old enough and that the situation is safe. You can start with small steps and then graduate to the bigger step eventually. You might feel better about your daughter going with a friend at first, for example, than letting her go alone.

Look for Glimmers: During this stage in your child’s life, you may only see glimmers of the relationship you had when he was younger. It’s worth looking for those glimmers. When kids are in adolescence, their peers become more of the draw than their parents. Sometimes, in order to establish those connections with their friends, they reject their parents a little (or a lot!) and the relationship turns into a push-pull—the more you try to pull them toward you, the more they push you away. This is confusing for parents, because the messages you’re getting from your child are, “Take me to the basketball game, but don’t be seen with me.” The underlying feeling is this: “I really need you, but it’s tough for me to admit it, so I’m going to act like I don’t like you—especially when I’m around my friends.” Some days it can feel like a test—your teen is testing you to make sure you’re still there, but she also wants to be able to push you away when she needs space.

What can you do? I think you have to be there with your child in a different way than you were before. They’re not going to come and sit on your lap, but they might sit in the car with you on a road trip and talk. As parents, we need to adapt to our kids becoming more independent, while also trying to find ways to come together. Rent a movie that your child wants to see, for example, and talk about it together afterward. Use it as a springboard for a conversation about their views on life, and just listen—don’t judge them or tell them what they should think. The time when your child was young and thought you were the most amazing person on the planet might be over, but a new phase—one where you’re able to have interesting discussions about the world—is beginning. Look for those glimmers, and remember, our kids are not there to make us feel good, especially when they’re adolescents. If you’re counting on that, you’re going to be disappointed. It’s just not their job.

Kids Who Are Verbally Abusive

While some of the bad attitude and back talk you’re experiencing are a normal (if unpleasant) part of adolescence, some kids cross the line and become verbally abusive to parents. Let me be very clear: This is not something to be accepted and it’s not okay. If you’re in this situation and your adolescent has started to call you foul names or threatened you, it’s important to set limits around this behavior immediately. Again, you have to keep the emotions out of it. It’s not about you; it’s about your child and his behavior.

Let’s say you tell your 16-year-old he can’t go to a party; you have it on good authority that alcohol and drugs will be there. Your child really wants to go because “all my friends will be there,” but you stick to your guns: the answer is still no. He calls you a “f—— b—-,” tells you you’ll be sorry, and slams his bedroom door in your face. You’re standing there seething, thinking, “Now what do I do?” And just how do you keep your emotions out of it and find a way not to personalize the behavior? Let’s face it, it’s hard not to take it personally if someone’s calling you a terrible name.

Here are 3 things to help you deal with a verbally abusive child:

1. Don’t get emotional. Don’t yell back if you can help it. Step away from the door and from the argument. Go take a minute (or an hour, or several hours) to calm down. Separate from your child because remember, this is about pushing and pulling. Go have a cup of tea or do something that relaxes you. If you have someone you can talk to about it that will calm you down, give them a call.

When this is happening, I know it makes you feel like you need to be in charge and make them stop. You feel impotent and suddenly not very empowered. But generally, trying to control the situation just makes it worse. When you step into an argument, it usually escalates from there. It starts with name calling and all of a sudden you’ve grounded your child for a month. He’s heated up and he can’t hear you in any rational way because he’s so angry. Here’s the truth: The most powerful thing you can do is step away from the fight until you can have a rational discussion, where you will set rational limits.

2. Talk about it later. Don’t try to have any kind of conversation with your child until you’re both calm. If he’s in his room by himself after he screamed at you, that’s a great time not to speak with him. When you’re cool (and that may be an hour or two later) you can tell your child that you don’t appreciate being called foul names. You can even say, “I know you were mad at me because I said ‘no’ to you. But if you’re mad at me, you have to find a different, appropriate way to say it. Cursing at me and verbally abusing me are not okay and there are consequences for that.” Try to be as matter of fact as possible—otherwise it becomes about you and the argument, and not your child’s behavior.

3. Set limits around your child’s behavior. If swearing and name-calling is a pattern of behavior with your child, you need to give him consequences. This behavior needs to be dealt with very strongly—there’s no excuse for abuse, verbal or otherwise. During your conversation, let him know that calling you names and threatening you is unacceptable. Tell him that he will lose his cell phone, for example, for a specified period of time. You can handle that by saying, “You can’t have your phone back until you don’t curse at me or call me a name for 24 hours.” If your child calls you a foul name again six hours later, the 24 hours starts all over again. The other piece of this limit that you’re setting is that your child should go to his room and write a letter of apology to you, which can be a brief paragraph. And what the letter has to say is, “This is what I’ll do differently the next time I want to call you a name.” It should include the apology—and more importantly, a commitment not to do it again.

Ways to Cope

One of the best ways to make this phase of adolescence feel more normal is to talk to other parents. Find someone with older kids who can tell you stories about their own experiences and give you good advice. I also think it’s important to look for the humor in the situation to get past the bad feelings you may have.

And it’s also good to try and remember what it felt like when you were that age. You probably didn’t want to be seen with your parents either, and felt like your friends knew everything and your mom and dad were out of touch.

While your relationship will never be the same as it was when your child was small, it will eventually get better—usually when your child is older and they get more of a sense of themselves. He needs to know that you’re okay with him becoming more independent. If you can let go of some of the expectations of closeness and of your child being there for you, he won’t need to push you away as hard.

Empowering Parents, Janet Lehman, MSW, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

A confirmed case of Haemophilus influenza type b (Hib) in an unimmunized infant in the central part of Utah was reported to public health this week. This infant was very ill and was hospitalized and treated. Several household and close other contacts were identified and preventative treatment provided.

Hib is a bacterial disease transmitted by droplet or direct contact with mouth or nasal secretions of an infected person and is communicable as long as organisms are present, even without nasal discharge. Hib disease is not common beyond five years of age, but adults do not develop immunity. Hib can cause life threatening meningitis, epiglottis, pneumonia, arthritis and cellulitis. The Hib vaccine helps decrease Hib in our communities and is recommended for children beginning at two months of age.

Due to a high Hib vaccination rate (86.3%) among pre-school age children, few cases of invasive Hib disease are reported in Utah. To date for 2011, 32 cases of invasive Hib disease have been reported in Utah. For more information on invasive Haemophilus influenza disease, visit

http://health.utah.gov/epi/diseases/hflu/plan/hfluinvestigationplan_031011.pdf.

Our doctors at CVMG say it is extremely important to have your young children immunized for this disease. Check with your doctor on your next visit.

Many parents today are faced with a dilemma: How do I support my adult child in becoming independent? Do I let my adult child live in my home while he or she struggles to find a job? These parents think, “The economy is bad…maybe there really are no jobs out there. Should I continue paying for things like my child’s vehicle, insurance, clothes and cell phone? Maybe I should move him into an apartment just to get him out and pay the first few months’ rent, but after that it’s up to him. Or do I just kick him out of the nest and hope he learns to fly?” Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner understand and have helped countless families in this situation. In their popular series on adult children in Empowering Parents, readers have learned why so many adult kids still live at home, and how adult children work “the parent system.” In Part 3, you’ll hear six specific steps that will help your adult child leave the nest.

The important thing to remember: your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen. It’s a privilege and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right – and always will be.

First of all, we understand that many families in today’s economy do share a household for financial or other reasons. If you’re in a situation where your adult child is living with you and it’s mutually beneficial – or at the very least mutually respectful – that’s fine. This article is intended to help parents whose adult child is dependent or lives at home in a situation that’s become uncomfortable or even intolerable. In recent articles, we’ve looked at how over time our society has moved from caring for our children to caretaking for our children, sometimes long into their adulthood. Many parents are held hostage by emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, guilt and fear of what will happen if they do throw their adult birdie out of the nest without a net. Today, we’re going to give you some concrete steps to help that birdie finally fly!

Step One: Know Where You Are
The first task in moving your adult child toward independence is to assess where you are right now. Ask yourself these questions:
    1. Are you in a place where your boundaries are being crossed and you need to establish some limits?
    2. Are you willing to allow your adult child to live in your home, within those limits, as he or she moves toward being more independent?
    3. Do you see your adult child as wanting to become independent, or as simply being more comfortable allowing you to take care of all their responsibilities?
    4. Has the situation become so intolerable – perhaps even volatile – that your main concern is getting your adult child out of your house, as quickly and safely as possible?

Where you are with regard to your adult child will determine—in part —what steps you need to take next.

Step Two: Change Your View
Instead of picturing of your adult child as a little bird whose wings may not hold him up when he leaves the nest, think of him as fully capable of flying. Our emotions can cause us to be so afraid of what will happen to our kids that we think of them as children, rather than adults. In reality, your adult child is an adult—equal to you and equally capable of making it in this world. Thinking of him as incapable is actually a disservice to him and keeps you in parental caretaking mode. Your adult child may be uncomfortable with some of the steps you’re taking that encourage more responsibility but that’s okay. It’s what he needs to experience in order to make changes within himself. Changing your viewpoint will help you strengthen those “guilt” and “fear” emotional buttons.

Step Three: Identify and Strengthen Your Emotional Buttons
Identify ahead of time what your limits and boundaries are, what you’re willing to follow through with and which emotional buttons will most likely get you to give in. One parent told us, “I’m okay with my adult child not having extras (cell phone, video games, internet, haircuts) but I can’t let him be on the street. I know myself. I’ll never stick to it.” That parent knew they would allow their child to live in their home without the benefit of extras or entitlements, so that’s the boundary that was established. Turns out, that adult child decided those “extras” were important to him, so once his parent shut down the Parent ATM, he was motivated to get a job and pay for things—including an apartment—himself.
 

Step Four:  Make your Boundaries Clear

Once you’ve strengthened your emotional buttons, it’s time to share what the new reality will be with your adult child. If your adult daughter lives in a separate residence but still depends on you as a source of income, make your boundaries clear: state what you will and will not pay for. If you need to start out small and work your way up, that’s okay. If you just can’t stop buying groceries yet because you know you won’t follow through with allowing your daughter to eat at soup kitchens or wherever she can find food (friends, etc.), then start with things like cell phones, haircuts, money for gas, cigarettes, internet and other non-necessities. It’s her responsibility to locate resources: friends, churches, government assistance. Your adult child can always apply for assistance through government programs such as food stamps and rental assistance if she is truly unable to locate work and support herself.

If your adult child lives in your home, draw up a contract that specifies the terms of her living there. This is an agreement between two adults. Don’t think of her as your child; picture her as a tenant. Then you’ll be less likely to have your emotional buttons set off. (If your neighbor gave you a sob story about how much she needed a cell phone, would you buy it? And pay the monthly bill?) An adult child may decide he or she doesn’t like the contract and will decide to live elsewhere. More power to them! The important thing to remember: your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen. It’s a privilege and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right – and always will be.

Step Five: Shut Down the Parent ATM (PATM)!
The key to launching your adult birdie is to make it more uncomfortable to depend on you than to launch. A huge part of making your adult child uncomfortable is to stop paying for all the “extras”: things he or she views as necessities that really aren’t. In this world, he can live without cell phones, internet, computers, haircuts, make-up, clothes from the mall, video games and any other leisure activity you can name. If he’s struggling, he can get clothes from Salvation Army or Goodwill. He can take the bus. He can eat cheap. (Think boxed macaroni & cheese and Ramen noodles. You know…what many of us ate when we didn’t have any money.) If he doesn’t have the money for cigarettes or alcohol– he doesn’t get them. Many adult children make a career out of working their parents to provide things for them that they can’t afford themselves.

Most people aren’t going to provide these things to your adult child. There is no Neighbor ATM, Friend ATM (well, maybe a few times, but they’ll shut that down real quick) or Third-Cousin-Twice-Removed ATM. But there is a Parent ATM. Why? Because we’re typically the only ones with emotional PINs that work to spit that money out! (Read the previous article on emotional buttons and continue to strengthen them, so you can stop paying for things that keep your adult child comfortable. Disconnecting those buttons—and turning off the Parent ATM—is probably the biggest step you will take toward launching your adult son or daughter.)

Look at it this way. Your adult son’s hair can get really, really long; he doesn’t need a haircut. He doesn’t have to text; he can write letters. Stamps are less than a dollar vs. a $50/month data package. He can live without these things. Truly. He just doesn’t want to. It’s okay for your adult child to be uncomfortable; we’ve all been uncomfortable and survived. It’s actually a good thing and necessary for change.

This is the key: change occurs when things feel uncomfortable, out of balance or unsteady for a person. It’s what motivates them to find their equilibrium again, through employment, returning to college, offering their services through odd jobs or whatever it takes to get the things in life that they want.

Step Six: Enough is Enough
Some parents have adult children at home who are abusing them verbally or even physically. You have the right to live in your own home, free from abuse, intimidation or disrespect. Anytime someone treats you in this way, they are violating a boundary and sometimes violating the law. It’s your right to establish personal boundaries that keep you physically and emotionally safe. In other situations, some adult children are not quite abusive, but they have literally worn out their welcome by taking and taking (financially and emotionally) without giving in return. The bottom line is you do not have to feel guilty about moving your adult child into independence so you can have your own life back. You have the right to spend your money on things for yourself. You have the right to enjoy peaceful evenings in your own home. You have the right to have the environment you want in your home. You’ve raised your child. He’s an adult now. You are not expected to provide for him any more than your parents are expected to provide for you as an adult.

If you are in a situation that is intolerable with your adult child and have decided he needs to move out of your home, the following steps will help:

Remember to strengthen those emotional buttons. If your adult child typically pushes the “guilt” and “sympathy” buttons in order to stay dependent and comfortable, prepare yourself for what’s coming and come up with a plan on how you’ll handle it. You might even try making some note cards or adopt a slogan to remind yourself that you have the right to have your own home, free from negativity or meeting another adult’s needs.

Next, contact your local court to gather information about what legal steps you can take to move your adult child out. Many states require you to serve a “Notice to Quit” to any adult living in your home. If your adult child still refuses to leave, you may need to follow up with an Eviction Notice that gives a deadline for him to move out, typically thirty days. If your adult child still refuses to leave, your local police department can enforce the eviction and will often notify the person that they will be escorted out of the home anywhere from 24 to 48 hours later. (Note: We aren’t able to address all legalities fully in this article due to the fact that each state differs in its laws regarding eviction.)

Eviction steps may sound harsh but remember to think of your adult as a tenant. If you’re to the point of evicting your adult son or daughter out of your home, things have probably reached a point that is simply intolerable for you. Your adult child may resist moving out at first, but again, the more uncomfortable he is, the more likely he is to leave on his own accord. If you fear violence or other repercussions from your child because of these steps, it’s beneficial to seek out local resources on domestic violence and/or contact the court regarding your right to a restraining order. Safety always comes first and if you’re in a domestic violence situation with your adult child, you’ll want to talk with someone knowledgeable about a safety plan.

A Side Note…
If you’re living with a spouse or long-term partner who is not on the same page as you, it can make putting these steps into effect extremely difficult. You can only control yourself. If it’s causing serious conflict, you may want to seek counseling regarding how you can come to a mutual agreement.

The Bottom Line
Many, many young adults are struggling to become independent in today’s generation. Yes, the economy is bad and our country is experiencing hard times. But that’s nothing new. We’ve gone through recessions and depressions in the past. Families used to have “leftover parties,” where they got together and turned their leftovers into a meal. They used to wait until the weekend to talk on the phone to long-distance relatives so the rates were lower. Sometimes there wasn’t a yearly vacation and kids brown-bagged it instead of buying hot lunches. There’s nothing wrong with a family pulling together to make it in today’s world. The difference with many of the young adults in today’s generation seems to be in the sense of entitlement and the aversion to sacrificing in order to make it. Gone are the days of “If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.” Today, society is all about technology and instant gratification. But it’s not too late to teach our adult children the values of delayed gratification and working for things they desire. It’s okay for them to be uncomfortable and realize they have the ability to survive hard times through self reliance. If your guilt or fear buttons start reacting, remember: we give our kids these lessons out of love.

Empowering Parents, Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.