by Debbie Pincus MS LMHC

“I can’t take it anymore. My child is so disrespectful to me—especially in front of other people. I feel like a failure as a parent.”

“My teen is failing three classes. She’s throwing her life away. I’m so worried about her I can’t sleep.”

“My kid makes me crazy. He’s so angry and hardheaded. He always has to do it ‘his way,’ and then he ends up blaming everyone else when he gets in trouble!”

When you need your child to act a certain way so that you can feel calm, power struggles will undoubtedly ensue.

Does your child’s behavior, the choices he makes—and fears about how he will turn out—weigh you down, making you feel like it’s all somehow a reflection on you? When our kids don’t act in ways we think they should, it’s natural to feel anxious and responsible: we’re only human. But when we do this, we stop seeing the boundary between where we end and where our child begins—we become “fused” with them. The danger here is that the more we feel responsible for the choices they make, the more we parent them out of anxiety, which leads to that panicked “out of control” feeling and knee-jerk parenting. In effect, your parenting becomes about needing your child to behave so you can feel okay. This causes parents to hover, nag and get in their kid’s “box.” When your wellbeing lies in your child’s hands, the more invested you’ll become in him—and the more anxious you’ll feel about his every move.

The behavior of difficult, acting out kids makes us all the more anxious. “How in the world,” you’re probably saying, “can I be calm when my child is swearing at me, getting in trouble at school or constantly starting fights with siblings?” Of course these behaviors make us incredibly frustrated and overwhelmed, leaving us dangling at the end of our ropes, held on by a thread. But believe it or not, there is a way to handle even acting out behavior calmly—I know, because I help parents do it every day. Remember, if you parent from an anxious place, you will have more anxious kids—anxiety is contagious, but conversely, so is calm. Even when your child is way out of control and defiant, you have to find a way to stay in control of yourself. Parenting calmly will help your child calm down and will lead you to make better decisions on how to respond to these acting out behaviors and not give your kids anything to react to.

I want to make an important distinction here: What I don’t mean by “calm” is that you should be stiff and robot-like, or afraid to tell your kids what you think and what you believe. Parents can get so caught up in doing it right that they end up hiding their real selves. What our children need is genuine, honest engagement. They need us to be separate people with our own thoughts that we communicate to them.

Here’s an example of what I mean. Let’s say your child is refusing to do her homework. Look at the difference between these two statements that you might make:

“What’s wrong with you?! You’re driving me crazy. You’re going to end up like your uncle.”

“What’s going on with you? Your choices here concern me because I’m afraid you’re going to hurt yourself in the long run.”

The first statement comes from an anxious place: It puts blame, criticism and your own anxiety on your child, and tells her that you’re ashamed of her—and that you need her to take away that shame and anxiety. The second statement is thoughtful while also showing your true feelings. Expressing a concern like that will not only get your child’s attention, it will also show her that you care deeply. If you are emotionally separate enough, your child will usually understand that it’s an expression of your genuine love and concern for her. That’s where the real connection happens. Kids want and need us to be separate enough from them so that they can feel deeply connected to us—otherwise there is no “us” to connect to.

Another benefit: if you are separate enough from your child, you can be honest and discuss the realities of what she can handle, talk about what the real world is like, and then state your real concerns. If I’m saying “Your choices concern me” because I’m neurotic, fearful and I won’t let my child out of my sight, then it’s not coming from a separate place. But if you are calm and separate, you can be truthful, because it’s coming from your authentic parent self—one that’s not fused together with your child.

I think the best way to explain anxious vs. calm parenting is to ask yourself these two important questions when an important decision comes up:

Is what I’m doing in my child’s best interest, or is it to help me feel calm?

Am I seeing the situation factually and objectively, or am I seeing it from my fear and worries?

Believe me, I know this is not easy to figure out all the time! The good news is that once you’re responding from an emotionally separate place—and your child knows it and feels it—they’ll be less likely to draw you into power struggles, and you’ll be able to parent more calmly.

What does it take to be able to do this? Here are four important steps you can take to begin shedding anxiety and start parenting more calmly starting now:

Don’t make your children the center of your universe. This is a big one. We all know this truth, but it can happen regardless of our best intentions. Why should we avoid doing this? It’s not good for your child or for you. Instead of having your world revolve around him, take care of yourself and your own emotional life. Attend to your adult relationships and friendships and pursue your own goals. Don’t fuse with your child, and try to stay mindful of where you end and he begins. Don’t get into his box if it’s not where you belong. This kind of over-stepping won’t sustain itself—and it won’t work for the relationship in the long run.

Pause. Make a commitment to pausing and thinking about how you want to respond to your child, rather than falling back on the old knee-jerk reaction. Again, you always have a choice on how you will behave, no matter how your child is behaving. Something you might say to yourself in order to stay calm when he’s acting out might be, “This too shall pass,” or “How can I be most helpful to my child at this moment?” or “What does my child need from me right now?” What he needs might be for you to disengage and walk away—or it might be to have some firm limits set and consequences handed out. Or it might simply be an empathetic response.

Don’t need your child to validate you. If you need something from your child in order to feel validated, you will find yourself at her mercy because she doesn’t have to give it to you. When you need your child to act a certain way so that you can feel calm, power struggles will undoubtedly ensue. Instead, do things in your own life that give you a sense of validation. You might ask yourself, “What do I need in my life to help me feel fulfilled and valid? How can I work to keep myself calm and separate?”

Know yourself well. Know when your baggage is getting spilled onto your kids. Try to see them realistically, rather than from your own worries, fears and unfinished business. Deal with the problems in your life so you won’t spill them onto your kids and start over-focusing on your children.

When One Acting-out Child Commands 99% of the Attention

I understand that when you have a kid who’s acting out all the time, it’s very difficult to be calm—often, that child will suck up 99% of your time, attention and energy. My guess is that he knows how to pull you in and it’s working. When there’s one person in the family who tends to take over and ruin the mood by saying something hateful or acting out, his bad attitude can permeate everything.

It’s important to realize that there are reasons why your child is doing what he’s doing. His behavior is effective in getting a lot of focus and attention. As a system, you also have to look at how everybody in the family is contributing to keeping that status quo going. The question is not, “Why is this kid such a problem,” the real question is, “How are we all contributing to keeping this going?” Think of it like a dance—your child is trying to pull you in, but you have to find a way to stay separate and not join in. Part of the answer may be that you learn to set limits and then walk away, rather than engaging with him when he blows up, or it might be to recognize it when you pursue him with too many questions right after school and he explodes.

Again, another big part of the answer is to take care of your emotional life. If your ego is attached to how your child is behaving, you’re probably going to have a stronger reaction than if you were able to remain separate and say, “What’s going on here with my child—and what’s the best way to handle his behavior right now?” When you’re able to ask that question in the moment, you’re going to look at it from a much calmer, thoughtful place than if you allow yourself to be pulled into the bad behavior. Start small by simply pausing and looking at the situation as objectively as possible the next time it happens. Trust me, there’s a big difference between getting pulled into something without thinking, to instead pausing and asking “Why am I getting sucked in to this again?” If you can do this, you’ll likely gain a lot of self-focus as to what the dynamic is, versus simply reacting in the usual way. So get self-focused, and then start asking yourself, “What do I feel when this happens? What do I tend to do and how does that impact what happens next?”

Instead of seeing your kids from your own needs, worries and fears, work at being separate enough from them to be objective and to actually view them through clear and calm lenses. You will then find yourself parenting from your best principles and thoughtful guidance, rather than from your needs and anxieties.

Empowering Parents, Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/anxious-parenting-worried-about-your-childs-behavior.php#ixzz1uxQrjHqa

Pertussis – UT
Public health has seen increasing pertussis activity statewide in recent months. There have been outbreaks associated with schools in Utah County, Cache County, and Juab County since the beginning of April. Many of these cases do have some vaccination history.

To date in 2012, 247 cases of pertussis have been reported to public health. By comparison, in 2011 through April, 125 cases of pertussis had been reported to public health.

Public health officials recommend that contacts of pertussis cases in these schools with immunization exemptions, or inadequate immunizations, receive prophylactic antibiotics or be kept out of school for 21 days to prevent possible further spread.

Pertussis is a reportable disease in Utah within three working days after identification.

by Janet Lehman, MSW

Kasey* was a fifteen-year-old girl who arrived at my adolescent treatment center with a rap sheet and an attitude. She was beautiful, she came from a very wealthy family—and she was way out of control. When we met, I began to lay down the usual ground rules. Kasey, who towered over me, screamed, “F— you, you f——- b—–!” and threw every foul word at me she could think of. I knew she was capable of knocking me on my butt. I won’t lie—my knees were shaking a little, but I didn’t let her see how scared I was. Instead I said, in as calm of a voice as I could muster, “Great, but you still have to follow the rules.”

There is no ‘magic’ to any of this. The only ‘magic’ is that you as a parent have much more power than you think you have, and you need to own that and take it back.

If your child is defying your authority and it makes you afraid or upset, don’t think that you’re alone—even as a behaviorist working with severely behavior disordered kids, I had to learn how to overcome this fear by making up my mind to take control of how I came across.

This brings me to my first piece of advice for regaining parental authority:

Fake it. I often talk about parents being “good actors” around their kids. When your child is challenging you, trying to provoke you, or raging at you, I recommend that you keep as neutral of an expression as possible, even if on the inside you’re angry or scared. So “Fake it till you make it”—in other words, act as if you have a sense of authority or control, even if you’re not feeling it in the moment, and eventually the real thing will come to you.

Deal with the problem quickly. If you’re feeling scared or upset, I also recommend that you deal with the issue quickly and then walk away. Set the limit immediately, don’t wait or let it slide. Even if you’re not going to say the “perfect” thing, or if your words don’t have the perfect effect, say something that lets your child know that you are in charge. Then, go to another room and take a deep breath and let your knees knock. Then you can start getting back in control.

You may have a child who has continuously challenged you since toddlerhood, or one who has just started to defy you, seemingly out of the blue. Just why do kids challenge us in this way? A lot of it has to do with developmental stages—especially as a teen or pre-teen, your child is “individuating” from you, which means he’s separating from you and finding out who he is. This is natural and actually what kids are supposed to do, but for some children, the challenging becomes extreme. Let’s face it, when our kids challenge us, it can be scary—and we’re usually not ready for it. Your job as a parent is to set limits and let your child know what’s appropriate as he moves through the adolescent years and into adulthood.

The kids I worked with challenged my authority at every turn, but each time I was careful to respond with words or actions that said, “I’m not scared of you, and I’m not going to back off. This is the limit that has been set. This is what’s expected of you—and if you don’t follow the rules, there will be consequences.”

This brings me to my next recommendation:

Don’t back down. Try to be consistent. Let your child know that you aren’t afraid of upsetting him or saying “no” to his demands. Don’t get sucked into his bad behavior or what he’s saying to you, or let him try to engage you in a fight. Just state the rule, tell him what will happen if he doesn’t comply, and then walk away. And when you set that limit, stick to it. Consistency is the key, but the name of the game is follow through, follow through, follow through.

Start small. If you are working to regain parental authority, I recommend that you start small. Acknowledge that you’re going to need to work at this, identify where you want to start and realize that it’s not going to be the be-all-end-all, but simply “step one.” Ask yourself, “Where is the one place I want to start being more authoritative? What do I want to start setting consequences around and following through on?” Remember that any major change starts with the first step.

Many of the parents I worked with were well-meaning and loving. Most of them had been having a hard time for years setting limits with their defiant, willful, or difficult kids. Some of these parents had never really had authority in their house, while others had lost it slowly over time. The latter happens to many of us—we’re all working hard and dealing with so many things in our lives—our jobs, our relationships, our extended families, and sometimes an illness or death. Losing our sense of parental authority can happen to the best of us—but the good news is that this authority can be regained.

Another important thing to realize is that there is no “magic” to any of this. The only “magic” is that you as a parent have much more power than you think you have, and you need to own that and take it back. Time and time again, I saw the parents we worked with gradually regain their parental authority. Their kids would ask me, “Hey, what did you do to my mom?” But all we did was empower parents to realize that they were in charge, not their 15-year-old kid.This brings me to my next point.

Let your child know you mean business. Understand that if your child is in control, he now sees himself as being in charge. But again, that’s also very frightening for kids. As much as they enjoy that sense of power, it’s very scary to feel like they’re controlling their parents. Understand that a teen is never going to say to you, “I’m scared because you have no control over me. I’m 16 and I’m running the house through intimidation and threatening behavior.” Children, and even teens, want parents to have control and set boundaries around their behavior, but they’re not going to admit that. In the adolescent treatment center, I actually had kids say (after they’d been with us for awhile), “I was really out of control. You wouldn’t believe what I was doing. I was breaking windows and punching holes in the walls, and my mom was afraid of me. It was crazy.” Many of the teens who came to us, like Kasey, had been intimidating their mothers (and sometimes fathers) and physically threatening siblings and other members of their families. After working with us, parents were eventually able to say to their kids, “I’ve allowed this behavior to go on. This is not going to help you as an adult. I’m taking charge now.” Sometimes that meant that they called the police when their child was destroying the house or becoming physically abusive. Regardless, they let their kids know that they would not stand for the out of control behavior any longer.
Parent the child you have…I think it’s also extremely important to look at your child realistically. “Parent the child you have—not the child you wish you had,” as James always said. Maybe you thought your child would be fairly well-behaved and pleasant to be around all the time, or that she would be a good athlete or student. But if that’s not the case, you need to start seeing her for who she is. As parents, James and I worked hard to look at our son realistically and honestly, and to love him with all of his strengths and weaknesses. We assessed the struggles he was going through honestly and then worked on them together. It’s so important to check in with your child and have a realistic sense of who he is and of what he’s going through—and to know what’s reasonable to expect of him.

With firm limits set, adults around them who wouldn’t back down, and consistent consequences in place, almost all the kids we worked with eventually learned how to behave appropriately. At the same time, if their parents worked hard to gain effective parenting methods and were able to take back their parental authority, they were successfully able to take charge of their family again. My message to them was the same message I have for you today: have faith, because you can always gain parenting skills. You can do this. Do not give up—just start small and keep moving forward.

*Not her real name.

Empowering Parents, Janet Lehman, MSW, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/how-to-get-your-parental-authority-back.php#ixzz1uIONzMvX

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/defiant-child-behavior-escalating.php#ixzz1tiqUsZ7T

Empowering Parents, Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW, Elisabeth Wilkins, Total Transformation Program, James Lehman and Legacy Publishing Company.

Utah public health reported six probable cases of campylobacter associated with raw milk consumption from a Utah dairy. One additional confirmed case of campylobacter associated with the dairy was reported in a Wyoming resident; a female between 18-25 years of age. Disease onsets occurred in mid- February. Sampling was conducted at the dairy in conjunction with routine surveillance and sampling in response to the campylobacter cluster.

Campylobacteriosis is a bacterial infection transmitted by eating or drinking food or water that is contaminated by the feces of an infected person or from contact with an infected animal or pet. Campylobacter infection is more common in spring and summer months. People who become ill with campylobacteriosis may get diarrhea, bloody diarrhea, cramping, nausea, abdominal pain, and/or fever. Symptoms appear within one to ten days after exposure and illness typically lasts one week.

Campylobacteriosis can affect all age groups, but infants, children, pregnant women, and older adults are at increased risk of severe infection. Bacteria can spread to the bloodstream and cause a serious, life-threatening infection in persons with compromised immune systems. No treatment is generally recommended for campylobacteriosis, however, antibiotics may be used to treat persons with severe symptoms. In Utah, approximately 16% of campylobacteriosis cases are associated with consuming unpasteurized (raw) milk.

Campylobacteriosis can be prevented by: 1) Refrigerating meat and dairy products immediately after purchase; 2) Cooking meats completely and checking the internal temperature with a meat thermometer; 3) Cooking raw eggs and foods containing raw eggs completely; 4) Avoiding consumption or unpasteurized milk and food made with unpasteurized milk; 5) Always washing hands with warm water and soap before and after preparing food or eating, and after changing a diaper or using the toilet.

For more information, visit http://health.utah.gov/epi/diseases/campylobacter/index.html.

Campylobacteriosis is a reportable disease in Utah and should be reported within three working days after identification.

The Utah State Medicaid DUR Board | The Amber Sheet

by Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Line Advisor

“My kid is such a pig! I can’t take it anymore!”

Every day we talk to parents on the Parental Support Line whose kids won’t shower or brush their teeth for days—or weeks—on end. Maybe your child refuses to put on deodorant or wash his face. Perhaps your daughter wears the same lived-in clothes every day and rarely brushes (or shampoos) her hair. If this sounds like your child or teen, you are not alone. It’s incredibly frustrating to deal with a kid who is refusing to take care of him or herself. And many parents feel very strongly that their child’s hygiene is a reflection on their parenting. They say, “I just can’t let her leave the house like that!” This is a natural response. It’s also normal for kids to go through phases during which keeping up with hygiene can be really challenging, particularly during the beginning of puberty. So what’s a parent to do? Read on for more information and ideas that will help. Continue reading →

On March 29 a child between the ages of 0-5 presented to a local ER with a high fever, sore throat, and intermittent headache. The child tested positive for influenza A and was sent home with Tamiflu. The child was never hospitalized and has since recovered without any adverse effects. Through routine surveillance, the specimen was forwarded to the Unified State Laboratories: Public Health for subtyping. Testing results suggested a variant influenza strain, which was confirmed today as swine-origin influenza A H3N2 by CDC.

The child had contact a week prior with swine at a family-owned slaughterhouse. At this time, no additional ill persons have been found. The Utah Department of Agriculture and Food will be leading an investigation to determine if any swine at the facility are still ill and if testing of the swine is possible.

At this time, public health in Utah considers the case an isolated incident and does not see any indication for risk in the general public. Seasonal influenza activity throughout the state remains high, however providers should be aware that incidental infection with animal influenza viruses in humans is possible.

by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW

“That’s just the Terrible Two’s.”
“He’s just being a brat. All he needs is a good attitude adjustment.”
“She needs to know that you’re in control. Be consistent.”

If your young child is behaving in a way that is oppositional or defiant, you’ve probably heard one or more of these phrases from family, friends, teachers or the lady in line behind you at the grocery store. People are often well-intentioned (or sometimes just plain nosy) and quick to dispense advice on how to handle behavior problems with your child. But what about when your child is behaving in a way that is clearly beyond what most of us would call “typical?” How do you know if his behavior has moved into Oppositional Defiant Disorder? How young is too young to diagnose ODD? Continue reading →

1- Cluster of Severe Influenza Illness – Maryland

2- Influenza Update – Utah

3-Hansen’s Disease – Utah

4-Campylobacteriosis and Unpasteurized (Raw) Milk

5-Salmonella from Baby Chicks

Continue reading →