This question often elicits quizzical looks from the teenagers in my clinic. I have started to ask about this and many other screen related issues, as families are greatly affected by the current trends in the use (and misuse) of media. Clearly there are many positive aspects of modern media, but there may be even more pitfalls of which we must be aware of.
Most parents can attest that they spend a fair amount of time each day on their phones. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) estimates that the average teenager spends over 11 hours per day using some kind of screen. For many, the majority of that time is spent on smartphones. For better or worse, this has become a fact of modern life. This trend is clearly affecting our teens, and increasingly our pre-teen children. With such powerful tools as smartphones at their fingertips, how can our children learn to be responsible in their use? I will propose a few ideas. Keep in mind that these apply not only to phones, but also to tablets, laptops, netbooks, iPods, and various other electronic devices.
The first rule – Make Rules!
An article from the AAP stated, “From TV to smartphones to social media, the lives of U.S. children and families are dominated by 24/7 media exposure. Despite this, many children and teens have few rules around their media use.”
It’s important to set guidelines from the outset regarding phone use, even before children have a phone of their own. This may begin with the parents having rules to govern their own use of media, especially smartphones. Teens are unlikely to obey rules they routinely see their parents breaking. Our children need to know that there are important limits we all should put on our use of digital media.
A question of timing
What is the right age for a child to have a smartphone? There is very limited evidence in this regard, so it may come down to individual family decision making. However, is there any legitimate reason for a child in grade school to have a smartphone? Even in junior high, most students lack the maturity and insight to responsibly use such a powerful tool. Would we allow unfettered access to the world’s biggest library, including the restricted section, to a 12-year-old? A 10-year-old? A 16-year-old? Even with filters in place, these phones allow our children to access virtually anything on the web. Are they ready for it?
“Phone Free Zone”
It’s a good idea to establish some places in the house or certain times of the day when phone use will not take place. Some families make sure to put all phones in another room during dinner time. We should strongly consider making all of the kids’ bedrooms phone-free zones (see below). Any time the family is together will likely be more enjoyable if it’s phone free.
Actively monitor use
We should frequently take a look at how our children are using their phones with regard to both times spent on them and content viewed or created. This is not an area for us as parents to take a “hands-off” approach and hope for the best. Although having filters in place is a good idea, these are fairly easy for our youth to circumvent and cannot be relied upon to prevent them from getting to the undesirable content that is so pervasive online. Read some of their texts, look at their browsing history, and keep track of how much time they’re spending on their device. Our children may argue that this is an invasion of their privacy and resist these efforts. But if we pay for their phone service, it’s actually not theirs. If they’re paying for their own phone on their own plan, then this may be more difficult to do. However, that is a rare circumstance, and the supervision of the phone is still a condition of having one. Some companies offer parental control features and apps which can be employed to help with this as well.
No devices in the bedroom
For years, the AAP has cautioned parents to not have TV’s in children’s bedrooms. This advice should be applied to all screens, including very small ones. The adverse effects of having a phone in the bedroom have been well documented. It’s too tempting to many people, children, teens, and adults alike, to browse “just a little longer” or answer one more text or email. If the phone is on, it will be a distraction, and usually, detract from sleep. Many claim that they use their phone as an alarm clock and so it has to be in their room. An inexpensive, actual alarm clock can take care of that argument. Set a time for the phone to be turned off at night and decide on a place where it will “sleep.” The parents’ bedroom might be a good choice. Regardless, your child’s bedroom should be a phone-free zone.
Natural consequences
There’s little use in having rules if there are no effective consequences for breaking them. The most obvious one is taking away the phone for a time. This may be viewed as apocalyptic by many teens, and something that will “ruin my life!” However, that’s unlikely to be the first or the last time that we as parents will be accused of this, so stand firm, and reassure them that there is a high probability of survival. Other consequences can surely be adapted to fit individual circumstances. But these must be in place and consistently enforced as needed if the rules are to be respected. When the phone is taken away, it is often helpful to require work to earn it back. This provides direction and hope, and they tend to be highly motivated in this particular case.
This is far from a comprehensive list but is offered merely as a jumping-off point. If it already sounds exhausting, it’s actually not that difficult. But it does require next-level effort on our part as parents. If done correctly, this can not only help our children avoid some of the pitfalls of modern digital media use, but it can also strengthen our relationships with them. Setting firm limits lets them know that we care deeply about how these issues affect them, and we may even end up changing some of our own habits in the process.
